In Memory of Two Great Lovers – Carlin and Russert

George Carlin died, Tim Russert’s term expired. That’s probably the way they’d like it expressed. Two men from very different world’s, Carlin cranky, reckless and very definitely anti-religion and Russert, the devout Catholic, polite, and very definitely blue collar. But they both shared in mastering the energy of the mature lover. Now for clarity, the mature lover is not someone who masters the art of sex and revels in carnal knowledge. Rather it is someone who has mastered the art of communication and connection. Russert and Carlin were such masters but they did it in distinctly different ways.
The mature lover has the capacity to connect with his audience by both communicating with clarity in a way that any listener can relate to. Carlin did it by meticulously mastering the English language. Now matter how cutting edge his schitck. Carlin was always clear about where he was going. No mater how acerbic his take on the world, you couldn’t help but laugh. Carlin managed to distill the inconsistencies of society, language and religion to such a basic essence that it was hard to posit a counter argument. Not that you’d want to because you were too busy laughing.
On the other hand, Russert mastered the Lover’s art of empathy. Russert had the reputation of being a relentless and tough interviewer but he did it with such a disarming manner that his targets actually reveled in the exchange. Russert gave great effort to preparation but he did not get lost in his questions. He listened, so that no matter how intrusive his questioning, it came directly out of the very words his subject had spoken. So no matter how contentious the exchange was it was never a debate but a dialogue.
The mature Lover lives by two cardinal rules:
It is difficult to dislike someone who makes you laugh and you naturally respect someone who confirms that they have heard what you said. Comics rarely stay relevant for long periods of time, someone else is always viewed as the next comic working o the cutting edge, but Carlin remained in high esteem across generations and amongst his peers. His longevity is a testament to his mastery of the first rule. Russert excelled at the second rule within the intersection of two of the more visible and ego driven forums on the planet – the media and American politics.
While they clearly would not agree on what the after life held for each of them, I am certain that they would easily embrace both their commonality and the legacy they each left behind.

The MDI Code of Honor - The First Tenet Commitment Before Ego

The Code of Honor was created by the men of what was then known as the Sterling Men’s Divisions. It was intended to reflect some very basic core values that all the men could rally behind, support and use as a benchmark for the ways of being we could expect from one another.



Back in the late 1990s some men from the Western Region (the Bay area around Sasn Francisco) created an ark which contained 15 different pieces of word. Each stick was made of a specific type of wood and bore a specific design that reflected the way in which the men of the Western Region related to the tenets of the Code of Honor. Charlie Fleischheimer spearheaded that effort. The ark has since made its way throughout North America and men throughout MDI have had the opportunity to connect with it. I had the opprotunity to safe guard it for a while and was moved to write a little about my relationship to each tenet. What follows is the treatise that was created as a companion piece to the ark.



First Tenet of the Code

Commitment Before Ego



Wood: Manzanita – A strong hearty tree that grows in some of the most barren environments. Where other things have difficulty surviving, Manzanitas continue to grow and branch outward. A commitment driven by a powerful context will flourish like the Manzanita tree.



Symbol: Coyote – In Native American mythology, the Coyote is the trickster, the clever one who often tricks himself with his own cleverness.



To be successful, a man must possess a strong and healthy ego. However, a man’s ego can consume him if he has not learned how to master it. Without a strong set of core values, I have often found myself drawn to doing what felt good wthout giving any thought to the ramifications. Any man living life without a clear sense of his commitment will find himself being led by whatever happens to be at hand in the moment (usually his feelings or his ego). His life is one of reaction rather than proaction.



Commitment before Ego demands two disciplines:



· To practice and possess a firm understanding and adherence to one’s purpose and commitment; and,

· To hold an iron mastery over one’s ego.



Many people equate commitment to making a pledge or promise to do something. Actually commitment is action. Commitment shows up not in what we say in the passion of a moment or even the things we do when spurred on by others or when things are going well. The benchmark of your commitment is evidenced by your actions when the underlying reasons behind your words seem challenged. When you no longer wish to be held to what you said. When there appears to be no reward for following through. When quitting looks like an attractive option. This is where the Ego has fertile ground to play its tricks.



There are many definitions and theories about the ego. Although Native Americans embody it in the form of a Coyote, it is more elusive than that. It is usually easier for others to see Ego governing our actions than it is for us. when I find myelf needing to defend or explain my actions, it is usually a good indction that my ego is engaged. rarely do you feel compelled to justify ctions driven by commitment becasue the actions speak for themselves. When I am operating out of commitment, I am more interested in doing than discussing.



This tenet is not Commitment over Ego. It is Commitment Before Ego. By that we mean let your commitment lead your ego rather than the other way around. The need to look good is Ego before commitment. The desire to do good is Commitment before ego.



There is nothing wrong with doing things because they feel good. I am a firm believer in the notion of “enlightened self interest”. I do good not because I am altruistic and aspire to be Ghandi. There is always something very definite in it for me. The key is to know what that pay off is so that I can keep my ego in check and be honest with myself about my motivations. Fortunately, the men around me will help me to find ways to feed my ego while adhering to a higher commitment than just my personal self interest.

The 75% Rule - The Excellence of Imperfection

I am pretty sure nothing in nature is really perfect. Okay maybe the egg. But other than the egg, everything has its flaws. And in truth, if you look at an egg really closely, especially under a microscope, you will see flaws and discoloration there as well. It is sort of like having this really gorgeous girlfriend. No matter how hot she seems at first blush, in time you will start to notice the little imperfections and they can actually really drive you to distraction because they start to stand out more and more once you get keyed into them. Blemishes just seem bigger against a pristine backdrop. Even a perfect game in baseball is not really perfect because it simply can not be replicated. In fact, no one has ever pitched two perfect games.

Yet people remain driven to achieve perfection. From a far, many of us admire the perfectionist. We think, “Oh what discipline!” “I wish I could be like that.” If you think about it though, I am not sure you really want to be that guy.

Nothing drove this home for me more than watching the U.S. Open this weekend. There was Tiger and there was Rocco Mediate. Everything with Tiger seemed to be chock full of drama. He was in pain, he was grimacing. He’d make a bad shot and you’d see it on his face. Then there was Rocco, living the dream and just happy to be there. He seemed to be just truly enjoying the moment. Now, I know the retort --- but Tiger is a legend, he will go down in history as the greatest golfer who ever lived. That’s nice, but the problem with history is you tend to be long dead and gone and not around to enjoy any of it. I just don’t get that Tiger is really enjoying how brilliant he is, he seems to be too busy striving for perfection.
Now, I am not advocating a life of sloth. Rocco Mediate is no slouch as a golfer. The guy has been around a long time, has earned many millions of dollars and he clearly works hard at what he does. I just don’t get that he feels he needs to give his all to his game at all costs. He strikes me as a guy who has a little perspective and balance in his life. I am of the mindset that in the long run that is the healthier approach to life.

The key is not always being at your best and continually giving 110%. Unless of course you are hell bent on living one of these brilliant and very short lived lives. Rather, it is in knowing just what your best looks like and knowing when you really need to turn it up. If you think about baseball, the really successful pitchers are not the ones throwing 100 miles an hour all the time. Instead, it is the guy like Greg Maddux with the really good command of his off speed stuff.

Possibly the best way to ensure you get where you are going in life and enjoy the trip is to adhere to the 75% Rule. Find the circumstance that calls for your A game; then really give it your all. Experience what its like to hit the wall and break through it. Take note of what part of you is being called upon to get there. It is not the same for everyone. For some, it is fighting through pain, for others, avoiding distractions, or maybe it is shedding guilt or doubt and those voices in your head. Whatever it is, there will be a moment. You need to understand and fully embrace that moment so that when necessary you can master it and yourself. Then file it somewhere in your memory bank and go enjoy your life.

For me, it has always been about being in the game. Playing hard, playing smart but not always winning. I like to call that the 75% Rule. Do just enough to keep the leaders within eyesight and pick your spot when you are going to really shine. Maybe it is this first week at a new job – after all first impressions can be everything, but that’s another blog. Maybe it is the one time you find yourself unexpectedly in the spotlight. It is in that moment that you can really make an impression because everyone around might have their guard down and only you know what you are really capable of.

I have found that winning can often feel hollow. After all, once you win, then what? You feel compelled to win again. After climbing the mountain, second place never seems good enough and everyone seems to be gunning for you. People tend to relate to you differently. It stirs up envy in them. And in a lot of ways people just don’t know how to relate to a champ as a person. They become larger than life and that I submit can be a lonely place.

But to be Rocco. On Tuesday morning after the Open, everyone was embracing Rocco. At most water coolers, he was what they were talking about. After all, Tiger was supposed to win. He was supposed to crush him. So every hole that passed where Rocco was still in the hunt was another nugget for his memory bank. I know many people say, “It sucks to lose.” And there is this notion that if you gave your best and finished second, it just means your best wasn’t good enough. But another way to look at it, if you embrace the 75% rule, is that your best was better than anyone could have ever expected. And that can make you a legend in your own right.

Dinner for 150

I'd like to put a face, or faces, to the group of men that have inspired me to write much of what shows up here. Mens' Division International (MDI) is a not-for-profit that spans all of North America. Right now it has very active circles of men in New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, throughout New England, Atlanta, Toronto, Calgary, Vancouver, Los Angeles, San Diego and through the San Fransisco Bay Area. Teams of men are starting to pop up in Florida, Salt Lake City, Denver, Seattle and virtually any where two men just want to get together to support each other to win in their lives.

One of the great things about having men all over the map is every so often we get together to do a gut check on where we are personally and where as an organization we see ourselves going. We just had one of those soirees in New Jersey the weekend of June 6-8. Below is a link to a few photos that chronicle the feast we put on for 150 plus men along the banks of the Hudson River on Saturday night.



http://mrob.com/men/20080607-Spierer/

Four men rarely have chance to spend an evening together just being men. For 150 to do it with no set agenda is virtually unheard of. It was truely a night to remember.



For anyone who is interested in checking out what we in MDI do, go to www.mdionline.org or shoot me an e-mail at duxdeluxe@excite.com. Better yet, reigster for our upcoming event, the Legacy Discovey.





Legacy Discovery is based on the collective “wisdom of the Men,” including your personal experience. It is about being a man in relationship with other men and deepening your connection with the men in your life.



This will be a challenging, intimate and revealing experience, one that you will not forget. It is designed to put you in touch with what it is to be a man so that you can achieve your purpose in life and “become the man you have always wanted to be.”



· You will experience a powerful way of being based on mature masculinity

· You will increase your ability to connect with and trust other men.

· You will reveal to yourself what you are “really” committed to.

· You will discover your purpose in life.

· You will write your own mission statement.

· You will learn how to create an action plan for achieving your goals.

· You will experience the value of using the “wisdom” of a “circle of men.”

· You will celebrate and embrace who and how you have been in the past and will see that that no longer has to hold you back.

· You will connect with the source of your power.

· You will learn how to communicate what you mean more clearly and take ownership of your opinions.

· You will become more aware of people and experience them more honestly.

· You will develop a stronger sense of the real relationship you have or had with your “father.”

· You will confront some of the habits that impede your ability to create the results you want in your life.

· You will learn to accept yourself and your “foibles.”

· You will gain a new and more effective awareness of the role women play in your life.

· You will gain a deeper awareness of your relationship to money and the role it plays in your life





The next event is taking place outside of New Paltz, NY durng the weekend of June 21-23.
You can get a registration form by clicking here http://www.healthoutloud.com/ld.doc

Go to the Roar - Having a Healthy Relationship With Fear

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself — FDR।

That is it। If you think about it, fear only means something if you let it। Now I get that might seem trite but I am of the belief that usually what I think I am afraid of is not really it। There is something underneath, bubbling under the surface and it is usually something unknown that I can’t put a name or a face to। For me, fear manifested itself in just not knowing what was on the other side। For most of my life I was the guy that had to have the answer। I just had to know। And if I did not have a clear vision of how things would play out, I would be frozen into inaction। I would rather do nothing than risk having to take on the unexpected. I have come to embrace that that mindset is the equivilant of death.


There is a parable about gazelles and lions on the African Serengeti. Lions love to eat gazelles. Gazelles can easily outrun lions. A lion also hunts in packs and if not part of the kill that lion does not get to share in the feast. This of course poses a problem for the older lions who just don’t have the where-with-all to chase spry gazelles across the plains. How then do they survive? The older lions have devised a simple plan. The young lions chase the gazelles for a while. Eventually, they run them up to the high grass where an old lion is hiding. When the gazelle comes upon him, the lion let’s out a tremendous roar. In that moment, most gazelles freeze just long enough for the young lions behind to catch up and pounce on them for the kill. Those gazelles that do not break stride and instead run at the old lion get to live another day because the old lion is just not agile enough to catch them. The point is, to live you need to be prepared to run headlong into your fear.

Obviously there is a difference between being reckless and adventurous but now I firmly believe that there are few greater highs than being on the other side of something that at one time truely terrified me So one of the disciplines I have taken on is when making a decision I will always go in the direction that truely terrifies me. Taking on this attitude certainly helped me deal with having MS (multiple sclarosis). When first diagnosed, I had no idea where the disease would take my body. Even when I figured out how to cope with the symptoms, something new would pop up. I had an answer to the headcaches, my limbs would go numb. I’d figure out how to navigate my body and my bladder would go south on me. Every day would become an adventure. But traher than freeze, I committed to just getting out the door and making a run at the day.

These days in my mens’ circles I continually strive to fail. First becaue it is a safe place to do it. Since the world of MDI is an artificial environment there are no long term risks other than my tarnished ego. But more importantly, in failure there is an opportunity to learn. I can’t thnk of I time when I learned anything from doing anything right. Sure it felt good for a time but I tended not learn anything. But when I made a mistake, failed, or stepped into the unknown — the lessons just cascaded all over me.

So take a moment and think about something that truely terrifies you. Don’t think about why, the why is irrelevant. Instead make a commitment to take a direct run at that fear. However, don’t do it alone. Make sure someone has your back. Make sure someone has checked your parachute or knows your flight plan, so if things really go awry, they can reel you back in. Most of all just enjoy the ride.

Me and My Shadow - the other side of maturity

We all have a desire to embody one or more of the mature male archetypes: the efficiency of the warrior, the charisma of the lover, the wisdom of the magician, the generosity of the king. However, to get there we each need to take on our own demons. These tend to be embodied in the various immature archetypes, or the shadow sides of the matures.

I like to use a short hand to refer to these traits -- the immature side of the Warrior is the Bully; the Slacker is the immature Lover, the Trickster the immature incarnation of the Magician; and the Spoiled Brat as the embodiment of immature King energy. These “characters” are a short hand for various immature traits that have haunted us in our youth. No matter how “together” you perceive yourself to be right now or how happy you remember your childhood to have been, you had to take on and either compensate for, tame or overcome one or more of these “shadows”. I’d g so far as to say that those who have made the greatest impact in the world – in both a good and bad way-- probably had the most significant demons haunting them in their youth.

I know the connotation of immaturity carries a negative stigma. But if you think about it, these ways of being have served as our tools for survival. They tend to come to play when we feel threatened or our very existence is at stake. Let me explain.

First the type of immature behavior is not he same for everyone. There is usually a yin and yang to each immature archetype. They are polar opposites. Everyone may have a touch of both but usually one dominates over the other.

So let me lay these bad boys out and see what fits for you.

The Slacker (the immature Lover) shows up in the way we deal with emotions and can be distilled a little further into either the addict or the extremist. The addict is someone who needs something to deaden or distract him from what he is feeling. On the other hand, the extremist has trouble feeling anything and only feels alive only when he is overwhelmed by stimulation. You’ll often find extremists jumping out of airplanes or precipitating fights with their loved ones. Have you ever been amazed at how a couple can engage in this intense argument and be lovey-dovey a few minutes later? The intensity of the argument reminds them of the depths of their love. On the flip side, addiction is not limited to alcohol and drugs. It finds a safe haven in work or other fastidious obsessions.


For the Warrior, there is the immaturity of the Bully which comes to the fore when self esteem is on the line. Low self esteem triggers either the Sadist or Masochist. The Masochist is viewed as some one who derives joy from someone else’s pain but the pay off is in the sense of control over another. If I can belittle you, I must be alright. Conversely, the masochist will subject themselves to intense pain and sacrifice to prove that they are “worthy”. Why else would someone choose to participate in an iron man triathlon?
At work for the Trickster, the undeveloped Magician, in times when the responsibility of knowledge comes to the fore is either the liar or the innocent. Both manipulate others in essentially same way. One lies to mask his ignorance of the truth; the other feigns ignorance to mask his grasp of a truth he’d prefer to deny. Both do it for the same reason, they’d rather not be in a position to take a stand for what they actually believe. It was no surprise that for Germans in post-war Germany they either claimed ignorance of what was going on around them or pled that they were just following orders.

This brings us to the King. While the King typically emerges the latest in life because it requires us to harmonize the other archetypes first, its immature side usually emerges first in the form of the Spoiled Brat. If you think of young children they either fall into one of two categories: the little tyrant shouting out his needs, stamping his feet, angrily throwing away those things he rejects or the weakling, the quiet, shy, pale child that you are convinced will shatter if you so much as sneeze. For the first, parents try to placate the rage by running through every imaginable options, nothing is too much. For the later, parents over compensate by doting on the child and providing for their every need, literally spoon feeding them. Both versions of the Brat get their way, albeit in opposite ways, and survive to live another day.


As with everything I write here, this just glances along the tip of the iceberg. It is woefully simplistic and reflects my own belief system. It is hardly intended to be the gospel. It is stuff I picked up from reading Carl Jung, Robert Moore (the co-author of KWML), Alfred Adler, and a whole host of others and it is sprinkled with the experiences of spending weeks on the road with tour buses full of kids – no parents in sight to muddy the waters – and of course my own journey coming to terms with my dysfunctional family. I am a firm believer that we all come from dysfunctional families – which in turn makes all families normal. As always, I welcome your thought.

Choosing the best man for the job.

The distinction between Warrior Leadership and King Leadership


To appreciate the differences in the ways of being embodied by each of the mature archetypes -- the King, Warrior, Magician and Lover – it helps to look at how they operate in a given situation. For example how does a Warrior lead and how is that leadership different from that of a man harnessing King energy?

It is my belief that many men master Warrior leadership pretty early on in life. In my men’s organization (MDI) we put new men through an eight week program that lets them hone the skills necessary to achieve short-term tasks. Jargon such as “honoring your commitment”, “being a team of one” “completing the job at all costs” and “quitting is not an option” can be viewed as the mantras of the Warrior. A Warrior operating from his strength is committed to achieving success at all costs. He puts aside his own emotion and any and all distractions so that he can attain that single task that he has been charged with.

In battle it is the Sergeant charged with leading his men to take the hill.
In sport it is the quarterback charged with leading his team into the end zone.
For a salesman it is making the next sale.
For me, as a lawyer, when I worked for a law firm, it was my job to win my case, by any means necessary.


In each instance the goal was specific, the task was within reach and when you attained it you were done. No questions asked, you did your job and waited for the opportunity to take the next hill, win your next case, score your next touchdown, make the next sale (or in MDI enroll your next men). In a lot of respects the leadership of the Warrior is phenomenally satisfying. It is easy to measure success and failure. There is after all no better feeling than winning.

However, Warriors have rarely succeeded in building anything that lasts over time. They have rarely been effective in creating and sustaining cultures, building companies or creating sports dynasties. It is well accepted that very few superstar athletes make good managers or coaches, let alone general managers charged with sustaining success year after year (while there are always exceptions, Knicks fans just need to look to Isiah Thomas.) In my experience, really gifted trial lawyers are horrible as managing partners in a law firm or as general counsel of a major company. There are just a different skills sets needed for effective short term and long-term leadership.

Which brings us to the leadership of the King. Where the Warrior thrives in chaos, the King is successful when he brings order to that chaos. The leader King is the field general viewing the battle as it unfolds from a hill in the rear. He looks not at the immediate battle but where the battle is flowing. Losing the battle in order to win the war is a concept mature Kings easily embrace. It is the foresight to realize that short-term sacrifice is often a key component of long-term success. For example a GM or manager who plays a rookie knowing it might cost the team a game but in the end will give the young player valuable playing experience. Savvy business owners will often refer potential customers to a competitor if they thnk that competitor might better serve the s=customers needs. They do it in the belief that the trust established will come back ten fold ove ime even f hey lost out on the immediate job. Now that I am an attorney working solely for a major corporation, I care less about winning and being right and focus more on what is in the best interests of the company as a whole. Often it means agreeing to settle a case even though I know victory can be easily attained.

I want to be clear that I am not making a judgment that one form of leadership is better than another. However, it is important to recognize which type of leadership is needed to acheive a particulat goal and to make sure that the man chosen to lead the project is harnessing the proper energy. For example, I am not sure that I would want a King leading a distinct fund raising project or an enrollment drive. In my mind, he may be thinking too many steps ahead to successfully lead his men to their short-term goal. Conversely, I would not want a Warrior driving my men to create an organization or lead a long-term project because he will drive the men to exhaustion and burnout.

In short, each man is gifted with a distinct tool set and it is a mistake we often make to think that success in one arena is easily transferred into another. So take the time to ask the hard questions about what is needed to succeed at a particular challenge and then do an honest exploration of who the best man is to do that job.